I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
