Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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