new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
