No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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