you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
