got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
