god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
