Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
