I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
