As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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