im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize