Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
