He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
