it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
