I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
