This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
