thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
