you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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