anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
