I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
