I cannot find my penis.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
