My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
