After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
