I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
