This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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