Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
