The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
