Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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