Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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