the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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