That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
