I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
