It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
