he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
