Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
