i just wanna soil my oats bro
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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