don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
