Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
