Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
