i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
