im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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