Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
