I faked an abortion last night.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
