Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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