How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
