i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
