i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
