I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
