Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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