im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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