On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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