Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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