My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
