my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
