I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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