mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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