My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
