i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
