I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
