I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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